THE JOURNEY OF BEING TORN DOWN AND TAKING THE STEPS TO REPAIR YOURSELF


It’s been some time since I managed to escape a storm and find safety. But despite finding cover, I must say that I’m still not clean and dry, but I will also say that I’m grateful to be on grounds where I can seemingly look back at the Dark Clouds. I’ve managed to fend off the beast, but consequently I’ve left the ght with cuts and grazes that are still susceptible to infection. The healing of my wounds may be taking exceedingly long, but I understand that it’s because the healing process is a doing a hefty job of processing my fears into comforts.

THE RENOVATION

Speaking of hefty jobs.

Very recently I found myself within the works of renovating my living room. To complete the transaction from the dusty old living room to the current silver lounge, it required the family to put in a lot of work. But besides the hard work, it was mainly the craftiness and attention to detail that prompted me to write something – something that discloses the trips between Tears and Reparation.

Restoring the living room of a broken home metaphorically expressed the process of taking a torn body and amending it through the heart and that is what I want to focus on in this piece – taking your tears and amending them.

As I begin Tears and Reparation, I want to focus on another beginning, which is also known as the beginning of life. We come into world as pure beings, but this purity gradually becomes tainted. During our times of babyhood, we are like blank canvases, all pale, curious and open. But as we draw through life, our traumas and rough experiences reect at the expense of our blank canvases portraying the dark hues of our realities. Overtime these dark hues blend to create a dense picture and these dark pictures tell more than a thousand words.

These words collate to form...

THE BOOK OF TEARS

The heavy failed paged book that records our darkest moments. But how can a book be so heavy when its pages are so frail? It’s because of the words it holds.

These words excessively litter themselves inside the book till it becomes burdensome. Our deepest secretes live through the brittleness of the pages that are yearning to fall from the books edge, reminding us of the instances we hold ourselves back from expressing our darkest condentialities and I understand that it’s all because we are scared.

Scared to be open, scared to be liable, scared to vulnerable.

We have the choice to rewrite our book of Tears and create our book of Reparations. But we have to realise that the tears in our lives are made for amending. Our tears are just like puzzles; they are put in place to be solved.

Try visualising this if you don’t understand what I’m saying.

When a piece of paper is torn in two, the rips and frays are always in parallel with each other and this creates a perfect t for amends to be made. No matter how or where you rip a piece of paper its tears will always align to be re-attached just like how the tears of your life are longing to be repaired.

NAKED WALLS

So... going back to the living rooms renovation, we started off by tearing down the wallpaper.

Tearing down the walls was a tiring process, but it had to be done in order for us to apply the coats of paint. Although tearing down the walls left me breathless, my mind wasn’t short of any words to think how stripping walls convey the vulnerability we must hold to counter to our dejections.

The last time we remotely done anything to rejuvenate our living room was at least 5 years ago and the living rooms ageing became more evident as I shaved away the wallpaper. The chips and cracks began to reveal themselves and it just reminded us of the little time we previously put in to restoring our living room. The appearance of cracks after tearing away the wallpaper speaks to the actions of us taking the time to recognise our pains and discomforts.

Those cracks on the wall were hiding behind the wallpaper till they became comfortable in being untreated – somewhat like how we don’t’ confront our fears but rather avoid them, allowing them to seep deeper and deeper over time. From my not so minimal, minimal life experience I can advise you not to be those cracks. Don’t just wait for an answer, don’t submit to laziness and don’t become the subject of your passiveness. Take action and do not allow things to corrode within you as a result of your dormancy.

“The means to not perceive hurt is a temperament that become very damaging” – Mark Omotobora, Tears and Reparation, 2019.

We must strip ourselves to nd the scars that bed upon our deepest cuts, we must seek to identify our wrongs that need rectifying, we must bring light to the situations that took place in our darkest times. Stripping away the layers of our insecurities will surely cause for our cracks to admit themselves. Tearing away our dysfunctions will surely allow us to diagnose the things that have been causing our pain. So, it’s only right that we strip till (just like my walls) everything is exposed and accountable. When you reach the point of nakedness you are vulnerable and ready to start the journey to repair yourself.

Side Note: To my fellow toxic brothers out there, don’t translate vulnerability as a weakness see it as accessibility.

I then took the time to plaster the chips and cracks. I plastered these walls with grace and care and it’s just like this we must ll our own voids with renewal and growth. If I was to paint over the cracks without them being fully plastered, they would still be visible through the paint, so it was important that I took the time to ll these gaps. Once you’ve lled the gaps by answering to the reasons you are the way you are; you can then proceed to layer yourself with the coats of willpower that will help you to proceed further in your journey of reparation.

The identifying process is done. The walls have been stripped, the cracks are now revealed, and the plaster has been applied. You’re not only lled on the inside but fullled on the outside.

STEP UP

My generous height was not enough to help me paint the higher parts of the wall – so I used ladder and boy was this some booky ladder. I was very precautious in using this ladder and just as cautious in climbing it. But with the risk of potentially smacking my head, I was able to visualise the motion of taking time in your steps to fully heal. Healing from your past wounds can be a complexed walk so in order for us to reach the point of full restoration we must take it step by step.

I had a clear objective to paint the higher parts of my wall. But in order for me to reach these areas I had to withstand this rocky ladder. Every step I took was a wary one with numerous attempts to regain my balance, so I had to settle and compose myself before I elevated myself.

When you’ve been down for way too long and you see yourself progressively getting to better a place, you must take every little win as a big accomplishment. It’s like how during my stormy periods, I will applaud myself for simply walking to the corner shop without passing out because at the time leaving my house was an overwhelming challenge. When you attend to your accomplishments and acknowledge the bravery it took to reach them, it can be a thing that lifts you up during dispirited times. Each step to restoration must not be overlooked. When you embrace the attitude to move forward from life’s hardships, your courage can take you to some uneasy places, places that may be out of your depth, places that are afar from your comfort zone, but it’s your willingness to stay dangerous that will keep you at ease in the most intense of times. Playing safe will grant your fears the victory.

To conclude this ladder stuff, I would encourage you to nd comfort in discomfort. To reach the higher parts of my wall I had to shake off the nausea, settle myself and regain my balance before I moved forward. I climbed through uncertainty to reach the dark corners of my wall and from there I took control in repainting my own picture by replacing the dark hues with brighter tones.

UNHINGED

“The door to happiness only opens from the inside” – I Don’t Know Who Said This, 2019.

I’m now going to talk about the removal of my living room door. This door was done out. As in it was too creaky, the noises it would make were too annoying. There was not a time you opened this door to go to the next room without it ringing off your ears.

However, this dry ass door allows me to explain the points in life where God took me to the crookedest of places. I’m talking about the points in life that left me unhinged, the months where I would wake up with dark clouds over my head. These were very unstable times; I was struggling to nd my balance in a world that kept on shaking. But it was when I reached better days, I realised that God is taking me to another room – another space. It’s like going to the doctors (who I was visiting quite a lot to be fair) where you have to endure that waiting room before you can go and be seen. The waiting rooms I was in were full of many sickened people. You had a next man sneezing on your neck, random people brushing your knee as they walked through the rows and people who were just making hella noise. But you had to be patient and wait your turn and while you waited you had to ght off all the different ordeals that can drive you to lose it, as in if that same guy sneezed another time, I probably would have come close to smacking him into a toilet roll.

2018 was a directionless time for me I lost my vision – literally. I was living life through a tinted lens it was hard to see where I was going – good or bad. In my walks of uncertainty, it was very easy to feel the bumps of my obstructions.

In order for me to turn the dark clouds to clear skies and shaky oors to stable grounds, I had to ‘BrEaKDowN the BREAKDOWN.’ This action is successive to the process of stripping your walls to nd the cracks. But now you have already sourced the things that have been messing you up and it’s clean up time. As you begin to clear the mess you begin to create more space for yourself – more space for your mind and more space to move forward. This clean-up is better than the feeling of cleaning your room and walking back out, to then walk back in so that you can experience the cleanliness for the rst time.

But yeah man, it’s time to take off the dark shades that have been obscuring your journey.

HERTFUL NOIZES

In my yard, there used to be a sound system. We ended up throwing the speakers away a long time ago and during this makeover we decided to part ways with the rest of the equipment and just like my previous analogies you’re probably thinking where am I taking this.

I’m taking you to the sound of your thoughts.

I’m taking you to the pessimistic thoughts that manage to occupy your mind. When life is slow and sombre, you begin to feel like nothing’s going on for yourself. It’s in these eerie times where the negative communications between yourself and your mind are amplied. Your minds cheerleaders are trying their best to encourage you but all you can hear is the opposing voices heckling you down. These voices playback over and over and over and over, – it’s like a song on repeat it may as well be on your Spotify wrapped list. These hurtful sounds sync into negative discords that takeover your thought process.

BUT... We are lucky that life is not just one take, we have the choice to re-record. When you are ready to part way with the noisy occupants that have been living rent free in your mind, you can begin to eradicate the sad voices that have been pestering your conscious. The things that conscate your positivity can only live on for so long till it becomes devastating. Striving towards a healthy mindset is where you want to be at, so it’s only right you take the gig and speak positively to the minds that need rejuvenating.

Words always manifest itself. Try your best to speak good things onto yourself as well as others even though theres some questionable people out there. The soundcheck is done when you are happy with the adlibs that compliment your verses of joy.

I don’t know how to conclude this and maybe it’s because I still want to talk on things like this in the future but till then keep reading this and try to depict the metaphors and apply it to your current troubles.

I hope this helps and keep GrOwING, no matter what.

Tears & Reparation – the journey of being torn down and taking the steps to repair yourself.